Connectors Need to Feel Connected Too

Connections. We all have them. We are connected to family by bloodlines, marriage, and adoption. We are connected to friends through school, community, interests, and lifestyles. We are connected to work, and hobbies, and so many other sectors of community. What about those of us who are the connectors though. If that did not make you tilt your head in query, you might be a connector, like me.

I am forever bringing people together. Some of my favorite moments have been when two of my connections meet and connect on a much deeper level. I love that moment when they realize they are just meant to be together. I am not exclusively discussing romantic connections here. I have had students who meet in class and go on to form sister-like bonds. I have had business or creative acquaintances meet on projects that I have headed and they become the best of allies. It is a beautiful thing.

But what happens to the relationship I had with the individuals on their separate levels? Typically, I end up as the odd man out. On most occasions I do not mind this so much. It is what it is. I did my job in their lives. I served a greater purpose. But what about those connections I felt were deep and meaningful? I am at a loss. I feel a twinge of jealousy as ego rears its head. I feel left out when I see that these people get along so swimmingly. I feel left out when I am no longer invited along.

Recently, I had brunch with a fellow connector. We realized that there needs to be a sort of connectors support network. We do so much for so many others but when they move on, where are we? We enjoyed one another’s company and decided that even if it would be just we two, that would be enough. It is so hard to tell the people we have connected over the years how it hurts us when that connection we perceived comes to an end. We don’t want the real connections to lose strength because of us, but we would like the gentle nod of thanks and maybe to be invited into the fold now and again to experience the fruits of our labors of love.

Stay connected.

bint Hazine Auditions Beginning Soon!

As we continue to grow and change as a troupe and as members of the Phoenix bellydance community there are always new things to discover. bint Hazine will be opening auditions this Fall for the 2015 dance year! We will be seeking dancers willing to work as hard as they play, who understand that a troupe is more than learning a choreography in a group. bint Hazine is a sisterhood and with that comes a closeness that requires empathy and support for one another. We welcome women of all ages though our current members are in their 30’s and 40’s. Mature youths, as well as the young at heart are welcome.

Auditions will be Monday evenings and hosted in the home studio of AbeebA Korsana, in Glendale. Current and former students of AbeebA who have completed at least three sessions are invited to audition. A showcase of your talents will include; a one minute freestyle dance with music of troupe’s choice, demonstration of three of the five core bint Hazine songs, and a brief and fun interview by some of the current troupe members.

If you have been a member of the troupe before, please feel free to audition at this time as well! We miss you!

Troupe requirements for 2015 will be explained during the audition process. For more information on bint Hazine, classes with AdeebA Korsana, or belly dance in general please follow us on Youtube.com/easalle or Facebook.com/bint.hazine

Shimmy on!

Write Broken, Live Whole

Write drunk, edit sober. Hemingway and his words of broken-man wisdom. I want to write like a broken man. I want to write like a woman torn in two. I want to write like a soul dragged through hell and left at the feet of Saint Peter. I want to write like a mind rendered mad by the trials of life. I want to write like a beaten god, and a fallen angel. I want to write like there is a fever in me.

But. I do not want to be that broken vessel.

I want to be whole. I want to be innocent. I want to be free of the burdens of the earth and harsh reality. I want to be solid. I want to be stable. I want to be sober. I want to be sane. I want to be a heart unbroken and a mind unshattered. Remove the splinters of the days past. Be the child that only dreamed the nightmares I have lived. Let the dis-ease pass away.

I have been sober too long. I have been editing too long. I have lost sight of the glory of the madness and let it consume, rather than fuel me. Push, to be what they want. Push, to be what I think they want. Push. Fall. Let go. Be the madness, the master. Enslave the sanity.Stop letting them know what to expect.

In the Wings

As the emergence continues, the pattern of the wings begins to take shape. The image is not clear, but the colors grow brighter, less muddied in the light of the sun. The antennae twitch in search of what awaits.

How many can say they have known a friend for more than twenty years? How many can say they have been a friend for even half that time? I wrote on the falling apart of my marriage and some friendships last time, this time I want to focus on that which is sprouting from the wreckage.

As I prepare to take over care and payments on a house that I once shared with my husband of nearly sixteen years, I realize I do not want to do this on my own. I am independent, I enjoy my space, I have experienced stretches of time where I raised my son alone, but I do not want to right now. I need an ally. As events would have it, I am given one.

She is my dearest friend and trusted companion, a woman who experienced the daily and the strange in my life. Our paths have been similar before, even when not divergent. This though is a new trail the Universe has blazed and wants for us to travel side by side.

In May, her marriage too began to crumble away. She at first thought to try to make it on her own in a new state, a new place, somewhere away from the hurt she experienced. I realized, that this should be a sign. Through much discussion and the advice of others, we are moving to help one another.

At the end of January I will fly once more to Central New York to join her. Together we will make the drive that I made fourteen years before. The first time, my husband, small child and two cats made the drive in four days to start a new life. Now, my best friend, her young dog and I will attempt to make the trip in three days or less.

I am excited. I am terrified. I am intrigued by the timing. Our new adventure will begin as the Chinese year of the horse opens and we will find ourselves in Arizona as the Spring of that new year blooms. What does it mean?

Too many things have aligned in these last few months to be coincidence. Lay it on me Universe! I am ready!

A New Adventure Begins as the Scars from the Last are Revealed

So, here it is. The emergence of the butterfly. She knows not yet how to fly, but her wings are beginning to unfurl. In less obscure language, I am finally coming out of the dark place that was my life and finding something new and amazing on the other side.

About a month after I finally came clean with myself that my emotions were having a serious effect on my physical well-being my husband of fifteen years, my high school sweetheart, my first real love, the father of my son, announced that he was leaving me. If that stab was not enough, the reason; the twenty-year-old girl who used to babysit my son, a girl I basically raised and also trained as a dancer.

I knew. I knew for more than two years that there was something between them. I am no innocent. But, with projects, and goals, and writing, dance, plans, and yes, a side romance of my own, I made nothing of it. I never considered for a moment that this side dish would develop into something bigger.

She is younger than me, sure. She is cute and is comfortable and willing to dress in clothing that makes boys go all ga-ga. But, she has zero life experience, was still living with her mother. She had traveled little, and studied less. Her conversational skills are still that of a teenager. My son could outwit her. So, of course, I thought, let the man have his side dish. I am still his partner, his equal. Yeah. I was wrong.

They had sex in my bed. More than once. I asked them not to. They continued. While I was on my internship and away more often than not, she had essentially moved into my home. She had sent text messages to my husband saying she was “miffed” at me for taking time away from her. She told people I was no longer reliable. She posted comments and pictures of the two of them together. Other people I rarely spoke to confronted me about these public postings. She would offer me one hand, and yet continue actions to strike me with the other.

I gave in to my emotions. I attempted to take my life. I ended up in the hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

I tried. For a few months, I tried to stay connected to this girl I mentored, stood up for, gave every opportunity to. Then, the waves of negative energy crashed. I could not be in the same room with this girl. I was angry. She told me I allowed all of this to happen. It was my fault. I should have seen it coming. The disappointing thing; I did see it coming. Rather I felt it.

I have always been sensitive to the emotions of others. I have always had an inkling as to where the threads of fate might lead. Because of who she was to me though, I ignored it. Why would someone I had given so much to want to take from me? Why would betrayal have ever crossed her mind?

Because the end game really is all about lessons. What have I learned from this? My trust was shaken to the core. What I understood about myself was that I can give and give and trust abundantly. Eventually, someone will take advantage. I also learned the painful lesson that sometimes it is best not to offer the benefit of the doubt when so many others are telling you that a person is toxic.

What has this offered me? A chance to start over. A chance to cut away the emotional dross. Allowance to say “no more”! I can see the people who truly love me, support me, need me in their lives as I need them in mine. From here I can make room for balanced relationships with strong, driven people, including the man who supported me through the publishing of my first book, my first stage shows, my internship, my growth in the art and geek community. Thank you Danna-sama.

As I shake off my old story I will continue to write the adventures of the new. I do not know the “how” of finding my new path, but have trust and support to take whatever comes.

Party On, Pizza Lovers!

Party on, pizza lovers! It is the ideal food since the ancient Romans. Laborers in ancient Rome would dine on breads topped with meats, veggies and cheeses that resembled our modern pizza!

Mini Pizzas

Difficulty: 2 out of 10

Preparation Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 15 - 20 minutes

Approximate Cost: $20.00 +

1 Package (2) Naan Bread

Pizza sauce of choice: Dressings, olive oil, and pesto spreads are good options if traditional pasta sauce is too boring for your taste buds.

Toppings of choice:

Pepperoni, olives, garlic, spinach leaves, mushrooms (sliced), ham, sausage (cooked and drained), the options are limitless!

Shredded Cheese:

Mozzarella is a good base choice but; parmesan, feta, cheddar, asiago, provolone are also great additions.

Place Naan bread on ungreased cookie sheet or baking stone. Spread sauce choice in a thin layer as close to the edge of the bread as you can. Sprinkle cheese(s), again keeping the layer thin and as close to the edge as possible. Add toppings (reminder: all meats should be cooked and drained before using); be reasonable here too, you can always go back for more, but a loaded pizza is just as cumbersome as an over loaded taco or sandwich. (I could do a whole blog about this issue). Once all toppings are evenly spread add one more thin sprinkle of cheese.

Place pizza(s) in center of oven and cook until edges are golden and cheese is melted. Cooking times and temperatures can vary depending on how you like your crust, and how much you loaded on the sauce and toppings. I settle on 350 for 20 minutes and get a crisp outer crust that is still chewy on the inside. A neat trick to learning pizza crust cooking, read the back of microwave pizza boxes.

Please remember: if you have a great recipe and would like to be a guest blogger on Nomdays, if you have a great or funny experience with cooking, or you want to talk about how awesome the recipes are, contact me or comment on this post. Thank you!

The Fire Breathing Caterpillar's Lament

I go through this often enough. I should know what is going on. I should know what to expect.Still, it does come as a shock sometimes; it is the difference between knowing a tornado is coming and being in one. I need to be okay with the allies as well as the enemies I have. I need to focus on the projects that will help me grow. I need to allow transformation to happen. I am in need of some important Jenn time. I need to remove everything else. It is cocoon time. It is transformation time. 

I know there are people out there who have only known me for a short while, or maybe think they have “known” me for a long time but really just see me. To these people, I am friendly, outgoing, wild, driven, thrill a minute, pirate Jenn! It is just a costume, a role. I am good at it. I enjoy the results of this role and the doors it opens for me and for those I care about. But, it isn’t the core, the real me.  

The real me is driven, in that plugging right along way. I am friendly, in that sort of quietly sit and listen, but hasn’t much to say. Not wild in the sense of a tiger or rhino, more like how wild grapes or blackberries grow; rambling, silent, twisting. When in cocoon mode, I am looking for those things in others. In other words, I am not looking for people time in general. Before I was a pirate, I was a winged imp, before that a storyteller and a mystic, before that a dragon, a watcher, a writer. 

That dragon part. That's the bit that might confuse some people. Dragons are violent, fire-breathing, harbingers of doom, right? When provoked, I cannot argue that observation, but most of the time not so much. This dragon likes to contemplate, collect shiny objects, enjoys watching felines and hatchlings play, studies books and listens to old wizards. I do not know many dragons who have the patience for princesses, knights, and fools; devouring them is just a means of saving the world from their nonsense. We are doing a great service, and even something that looks mighty, needs a break and time to grow.

 

What is transformation? We all go through times when change happens to mean more than just a new job, a new look, or a new relationship. Sometimes it is so much deeper. We are more vulnerable during these times. We are more quiet during these times. Okay, I am more vulnerable and quiet.

It is difficult to be around people during cocoon times. It is *really* hard to be around people who are avoiding or fighting their own transformation. Equally so, to be around people who have harmful energy. It doesn’t take much either. A harsh word or sharp glance can cut right through a transforming soul. People who are usually okay out in public might not feel it, but I do. I have to work extra hard to meet large gatherings on a typical day, in cocoon mode it is nearly impossible. People are trying. Noises are painful. Fighting it is exhausting. That returns me to the cocoon part. Dragon or caterpillar, I need a break, have for a long while. 

There is something great coming, I know this. But, for now, consider the more simple analogy of the caterpillar - grumpy, annoyed by silly questions and content to sit on my mushroom in solitude.