The Fire Breathing Caterpillar's Lament

I go through this often enough. I should know what is going on. I should know what to expect.Still, it does come as a shock sometimes; it is the difference between knowing a tornado is coming and being in one. I need to be okay with the allies as well as the enemies I have. I need to focus on the projects that will help me grow. I need to allow transformation to happen. I am in need of some important Jenn time. I need to remove everything else. It is cocoon time. It is transformation time. 

I know there are people out there who have only known me for a short while, or maybe think they have “known” me for a long time but really just see me. To these people, I am friendly, outgoing, wild, driven, thrill a minute, pirate Jenn! It is just a costume, a role. I am good at it. I enjoy the results of this role and the doors it opens for me and for those I care about. But, it isn’t the core, the real me.  

The real me is driven, in that plugging right along way. I am friendly, in that sort of quietly sit and listen, but hasn’t much to say. Not wild in the sense of a tiger or rhino, more like how wild grapes or blackberries grow; rambling, silent, twisting. When in cocoon mode, I am looking for those things in others. In other words, I am not looking for people time in general. Before I was a pirate, I was a winged imp, before that a storyteller and a mystic, before that a dragon, a watcher, a writer. 

That dragon part. That's the bit that might confuse some people. Dragons are violent, fire-breathing, harbingers of doom, right? When provoked, I cannot argue that observation, but most of the time not so much. This dragon likes to contemplate, collect shiny objects, enjoys watching felines and hatchlings play, studies books and listens to old wizards. I do not know many dragons who have the patience for princesses, knights, and fools; devouring them is just a means of saving the world from their nonsense. We are doing a great service, and even something that looks mighty, needs a break and time to grow.

 

What is transformation? We all go through times when change happens to mean more than just a new job, a new look, or a new relationship. Sometimes it is so much deeper. We are more vulnerable during these times. We are more quiet during these times. Okay, I am more vulnerable and quiet.

It is difficult to be around people during cocoon times. It is *really* hard to be around people who are avoiding or fighting their own transformation. Equally so, to be around people who have harmful energy. It doesn’t take much either. A harsh word or sharp glance can cut right through a transforming soul. People who are usually okay out in public might not feel it, but I do. I have to work extra hard to meet large gatherings on a typical day, in cocoon mode it is nearly impossible. People are trying. Noises are painful. Fighting it is exhausting. That returns me to the cocoon part. Dragon or caterpillar, I need a break, have for a long while. 

There is something great coming, I know this. But, for now, consider the more simple analogy of the caterpillar - grumpy, annoyed by silly questions and content to sit on my mushroom in solitude.