So, here it is. The emergence of the butterfly. She knows not yet how to fly, but her wings are beginning to unfurl. In less obscure language, I am finally coming out of the dark place that was my life and finding something new and amazing on the other side.
About a month after I finally came clean with myself that my emotions were having a serious effect on my physical well-being my husband of fifteen years, my high school sweetheart, my first real love, the father of my son, announced that he was leaving me. If that stab was not enough, the reason; the twenty-year-old girl who used to babysit my son, a girl I basically raised and also trained as a dancer.
I knew. I knew for more than two years that there was something between them. I am no innocent. But, with projects, and goals, and writing, dance, plans, and yes, a side romance of my own, I made nothing of it. I never considered for a moment that this side dish would develop into something bigger.
She is younger than me, sure. She is cute and is comfortable and willing to dress in clothing that makes boys go all ga-ga. But, she has zero life experience, was still living with her mother. She had traveled little, and studied less. Her conversational skills are still that of a teenager. My son could outwit her. So, of course, I thought, let the man have his side dish. I am still his partner, his equal. Yeah. I was wrong.
They had sex in my bed. More than once. I asked them not to. They continued. While I was on my internship and away more often than not, she had essentially moved into my home. She had sent text messages to my husband saying she was “miffed” at me for taking time away from her. She told people I was no longer reliable. She posted comments and pictures of the two of them together. Other people I rarely spoke to confronted me about these public postings. She would offer me one hand, and yet continue actions to strike me with the other.
I gave in to my emotions. I attempted to take my life. I ended up in the hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
I tried. For a few months, I tried to stay connected to this girl I mentored, stood up for, gave every opportunity to. Then, the waves of negative energy crashed. I could not be in the same room with this girl. I was angry. She told me I allowed all of this to happen. It was my fault. I should have seen it coming. The disappointing thing; I did see it coming. Rather I felt it.
I have always been sensitive to the emotions of others. I have always had an inkling as to where the threads of fate might lead. Because of who she was to me though, I ignored it. Why would someone I had given so much to want to take from me? Why would betrayal have ever crossed her mind?
Because the end game really is all about lessons. What have I learned from this? My trust was shaken to the core. What I understood about myself was that I can give and give and trust abundantly. Eventually, someone will take advantage. I also learned the painful lesson that sometimes it is best not to offer the benefit of the doubt when so many others are telling you that a person is toxic.
What has this offered me? A chance to start over. A chance to cut away the emotional dross. Allowance to say “no more”! I can see the people who truly love me, support me, need me in their lives as I need them in mine. From here I can make room for balanced relationships with strong, driven people, including the man who supported me through the publishing of my first book, my first stage shows, my internship, my growth in the art and geek community. Thank you Danna-sama.
As I shake off my old story I will continue to write the adventures of the new. I do not know the “how” of finding my new path, but have trust and support to take whatever comes.
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